Water base paint
A pungent smell on the
new walls
Of an old room above
ninth avenue.
Fraternity men and other
ambitions
Tick toward their degrees
and dates
And I throw away - they
say -
The torpor of my case books
Bring on the shrinks!
And I will write a play
And drink martinis
While damn good jazz
and somebody else'
Bach records
Belt away at the Puritan
devils.
Easing into art.
Nobody that knows me
is looking!
The old friends are gone -
And the relatives.
And the new friends
Are already there,
Where the muse haunts
the room
And pays the rent.
Something so much fun
Just might be wicked
But let me risk it!
I think I have a right
to know
The new creature
I'm becoming.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Mr. Cameron's Consevatory Novel Update
I have, as editor, recently put the 22 chapters of Mr. Cameron's Conservatory in book reading order and have written the following introduction.
The characters and story line in this work reach back to the very beginnings of the author's writings in the fifties and his novel manuscript The Cruise of the Ballerina which underwent numerous rewrites and publisher's rejection slips. He later referred to it as the Yacht Novel. It was in the late seventies that he began his major work Contemplatives.
His later studies of music instruction for beginners found its way into this unfinished novel which takes up the threads of the Yacht novel, weaves in the characters from Contemplatives, and sets down in fictional form his musical theories for beginners. It recreates, for the reader, the many music lessons and students he loved to teach and inspire over many years.
From the author's unpublished autobiography:
After the initial terror of discovering that I was to be a writer, I who had never reaped much satisfaction from school composition assignments, quite quickly began to acquire a distinct mental pleasure in what I understood was the intellectual and imaginative preparation for the day I settled down to a story or two, and never until the rainy autumn Sunday afternoon that I began the first draught of the Yacht Novel did I have any doubts or complaints about my appointed vocation. Nor did I have any dark moments, as far as I can recall, throughout the year or so it took me to finish it, actually in two spurts many months apart. I knew, mind you, that it was only a draught, and would require much rewriting, although I could never have believed that this retelling and retelling would take half-a-century.
The characters and story line in this work reach back to the very beginnings of the author's writings in the fifties and his novel manuscript The Cruise of the Ballerina which underwent numerous rewrites and publisher's rejection slips. He later referred to it as the Yacht Novel. It was in the late seventies that he began his major work Contemplatives.
His later studies of music instruction for beginners found its way into this unfinished novel which takes up the threads of the Yacht novel, weaves in the characters from Contemplatives, and sets down in fictional form his musical theories for beginners. It recreates, for the reader, the many music lessons and students he loved to teach and inspire over many years.
From the author's unpublished autobiography:
After the initial terror of discovering that I was to be a writer, I who had never reaped much satisfaction from school composition assignments, quite quickly began to acquire a distinct mental pleasure in what I understood was the intellectual and imaginative preparation for the day I settled down to a story or two, and never until the rainy autumn Sunday afternoon that I began the first draught of the Yacht Novel did I have any doubts or complaints about my appointed vocation. Nor did I have any dark moments, as far as I can recall, throughout the year or so it took me to finish it, actually in two spurts many months apart. I knew, mind you, that it was only a draught, and would require much rewriting, although I could never have believed that this retelling and retelling would take half-a-century.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
First Impressions of the Sechelt Property
In the spring of 1950, my father bought a summer home on Sechelt Inlet, three miles from the head of the inlet and located on the eastern side. The house - which it was, rather than a cabin - was one of three built on the shores, on or near a tiny bay. The road came no closer than half a mile from our miniature resort and there were few boats travelling that part of the inlet. so my father's purchase guaranteed what were literally weekend or longer retreats from the often tawdry environment of our city community. As it goes among those not yet fully integrated with the life of grace, I had been able - since a little child - to balance my life quite nicely between solitude and company, but as adolescence came upon me I was attracted to deeper silences, and the possession of the inlet hermitage guaranteed an atmosphere for them. Only a monastery could have created a more solemn environment, or perhaps a very devout home, and the Spirit took every advantage of the lonesome geography, over the years, that I would allow Him.
It was the second time that my father had bought property. A year after the war he bought a section of land on a coastal island for the purpose of logging it, but the timber business had not been kind to him. We left the island after a year-and-a-half and within another year or so he had sold that property. When the opportunity of the Sechelt house came up we were all excited, but no-one more so than myself, for in the various times during the first fifteen years of my life when I had lived out of the city I had been nourished by the forest and often longed for a home closer to it. My father's work, however, dictated living in or at least close to the city of Vancouver, so I had to leave my hopes of a less urban environment to my own adulthood, in the meantime taking advantage of any temporary occasions that arose. This is not to say that I ignored the opportunities provided by the city; in fact I took full advantage of anything I found attractive, exercising my intelligence and acquiring experiences to a degree that would not have been possible either on the island or on Sechelt Inlet, but in the midst of my activities: high school, sports, army cadets, scouts, a newspaper route, and frequent regular invasions of the public library, I often felt a distinct and powerful longing for a more solitary relationship with reality, and this although most of my near relatives, with all of whom I was on close terms, lived also in the city, or close to it.
Some of my desire, of course, was the customary romanticism and outdoor attraction. At about the same time as my father bought the property, perhaps just a month or two before, I suffered my only real temptation to quit school. I was in Grade Ten, and doing well enough academically, undisturbed by any conscious frustrations, yet a book I read about ranching in the Cariboo literally inflamed my imagination with a desire to leave my home and my classroom and set out for a life of cow punching. I can recall having to deal with this desire all day long. Only in the night did it subside, to leave me at peace with my environment. When, six years later, I did travel into the Cariboo to work for a summer in the wilderness I fulfilled every image of my fifteen-year-old vision, but as a result not of a hasty decision to escape my rightful environment too soon, but following the unbroken years of study I had put in at high school and university, and particularly as a result of the months before the foray in the wilderness, when very intensive studies of the social sciences and modern literature had given me a profound sense of my own dignity as a person, my individual skill as a poet, and my right of searching in the best sources available for the concepts of absolute truth.
There was another experience of that year - the Salvation Army, which is another story, but which I mention here because it is part of the total circumstances of that year. I tried out the Salvation Army Sunday School for three or four weeks, following my appointment as a patrol second of the scout troop. Unfortunately, and to some degree crediting my father's attitude, I chose Sunday school this time not so simply as a year or two before - for my own good simply - but just as much from a feeling that I should set an example to the other members of my patrol. I told my mother this and possibly I told my father. The original inspiration was simple enough - I can distinctly remember its purity - but the question of example was a self-satisfying bit of clutter and I think that my father knew it. Whatever he knew by the time I mentioned that they had asked me to join the band, he was all objections and that was the last excuse I needed to take back my Sunday mornings to myself.
But as grace builds on nature, Providence got at me another way, and this time through my father, with the purchase of the Sechelt property.
It was the second time that my father had bought property. A year after the war he bought a section of land on a coastal island for the purpose of logging it, but the timber business had not been kind to him. We left the island after a year-and-a-half and within another year or so he had sold that property. When the opportunity of the Sechelt house came up we were all excited, but no-one more so than myself, for in the various times during the first fifteen years of my life when I had lived out of the city I had been nourished by the forest and often longed for a home closer to it. My father's work, however, dictated living in or at least close to the city of Vancouver, so I had to leave my hopes of a less urban environment to my own adulthood, in the meantime taking advantage of any temporary occasions that arose. This is not to say that I ignored the opportunities provided by the city; in fact I took full advantage of anything I found attractive, exercising my intelligence and acquiring experiences to a degree that would not have been possible either on the island or on Sechelt Inlet, but in the midst of my activities: high school, sports, army cadets, scouts, a newspaper route, and frequent regular invasions of the public library, I often felt a distinct and powerful longing for a more solitary relationship with reality, and this although most of my near relatives, with all of whom I was on close terms, lived also in the city, or close to it.
Some of my desire, of course, was the customary romanticism and outdoor attraction. At about the same time as my father bought the property, perhaps just a month or two before, I suffered my only real temptation to quit school. I was in Grade Ten, and doing well enough academically, undisturbed by any conscious frustrations, yet a book I read about ranching in the Cariboo literally inflamed my imagination with a desire to leave my home and my classroom and set out for a life of cow punching. I can recall having to deal with this desire all day long. Only in the night did it subside, to leave me at peace with my environment. When, six years later, I did travel into the Cariboo to work for a summer in the wilderness I fulfilled every image of my fifteen-year-old vision, but as a result not of a hasty decision to escape my rightful environment too soon, but following the unbroken years of study I had put in at high school and university, and particularly as a result of the months before the foray in the wilderness, when very intensive studies of the social sciences and modern literature had given me a profound sense of my own dignity as a person, my individual skill as a poet, and my right of searching in the best sources available for the concepts of absolute truth.
There was another experience of that year - the Salvation Army, which is another story, but which I mention here because it is part of the total circumstances of that year. I tried out the Salvation Army Sunday School for three or four weeks, following my appointment as a patrol second of the scout troop. Unfortunately, and to some degree crediting my father's attitude, I chose Sunday school this time not so simply as a year or two before - for my own good simply - but just as much from a feeling that I should set an example to the other members of my patrol. I told my mother this and possibly I told my father. The original inspiration was simple enough - I can distinctly remember its purity - but the question of example was a self-satisfying bit of clutter and I think that my father knew it. Whatever he knew by the time I mentioned that they had asked me to join the band, he was all objections and that was the last excuse I needed to take back my Sunday mornings to myself.
But as grace builds on nature, Providence got at me another way, and this time through my father, with the purchase of the Sechelt property.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Painting and Me
I basically ignored painting for a long time, for two reasons. One, that I had encountered very little of the real thing, real painting and painters, and two: that I looked at what paintings I did run across for the wrong thing, action instead of being. The items of a scene are in act, but we miss the point if we look for them to be in action; the adventure in painting is that the matter at hand is lifted out of its merely temporal story line, it is, from a purified intellect, that most exciting vision, that of the angelic, that is, a view from beyond time.
I loved stories, as should be clear by now, from the bottom of the bottom of my heart; I had no objection to the quietest and stillest scenes in movies; I loved the sketches and engravings, in story books and also the water colours that showed up in some. For years, I'm sure, had anyone asked me, I would have said that illustrations were the highest kind of art, just as I would have said that sound track violins and horns were the best kind of classical music. But a painting by itself was a hard pill to swallow, unless it was a landscape or a pretty girl, and both of these had to conform to my standards of exciting landscapes and feminine beauty.
Painting has to put us in touch with our own inner kingdom, or it has nothing real to say to us. But this means that there be an inner kingdom, and for painting to work that kingdom must contain the province of silence, of stillness, of the sense of being.
Sechelt Inlet had a lot to do with changing this predicament, although the outward effects, that of my establishing a permanent relationship with the art, would not take place for some years. From my father's first announcement that he was buying the place we were excited, but the all important spiritual depth, the more important result, came with the first encounter. Our isolated little bay, three water miles from my grandmother's, was a retreat or it was nothing.
The best thing about Sechelt Inlet was not the fishing but the silence. The fishing was good, because we could usually catch a cod on one kind or another, but the silence was very, very deep and it taught me something.
I think I noticed it when I went up there for the first time, to sleep in a tent for three weeks and help my new grandfather build his house, when I was nine, the summer that the War ended.
Thanks to the watchful and loving eye of God, all our instants are eternal; the temporality of the moment disappears in the ocean of infinity. Yet our consciousness is not always aware of this dissolution of points of time; some extra element of grace is needed if our awareness of a particular point on man's clock vanishing into eternity can mean anything to us; we need even the further use of time to destroy time, we have to wait on the passing of time before our eyes before that gap in the ranks of the changing moments appears and we perceive through it a glimpse of a stillness that can only be called divine.
It is not that our eyes lose their sight, or our ears refuse to hear, nor that our sense of smell fails us, indeed, their operations are heightened, infused with a spark of divinity, granted for a moment a power of command over all they behold as a flood of grace and perhaps a flash of glory tells us that not only is the moment eternal, but that we are sharing it now as we will comprehend it as without change.
This quality suffuses the greatest acts of our memory, sometimes in recollection, sometimes in the moment of perception. One of my earliest adolescent encounters with this whispering of the Holy Spirit took place on Sechelt Inlet in the summer following my first year of high school, a metaphysical intuition was presented clearly for itself. To be precise, I did not know the expression intuition of being but I knew something of the philosopher's operation.
I loved stories, as should be clear by now, from the bottom of the bottom of my heart; I had no objection to the quietest and stillest scenes in movies; I loved the sketches and engravings, in story books and also the water colours that showed up in some. For years, I'm sure, had anyone asked me, I would have said that illustrations were the highest kind of art, just as I would have said that sound track violins and horns were the best kind of classical music. But a painting by itself was a hard pill to swallow, unless it was a landscape or a pretty girl, and both of these had to conform to my standards of exciting landscapes and feminine beauty.
Painting has to put us in touch with our own inner kingdom, or it has nothing real to say to us. But this means that there be an inner kingdom, and for painting to work that kingdom must contain the province of silence, of stillness, of the sense of being.
Sechelt Inlet had a lot to do with changing this predicament, although the outward effects, that of my establishing a permanent relationship with the art, would not take place for some years. From my father's first announcement that he was buying the place we were excited, but the all important spiritual depth, the more important result, came with the first encounter. Our isolated little bay, three water miles from my grandmother's, was a retreat or it was nothing.
The best thing about Sechelt Inlet was not the fishing but the silence. The fishing was good, because we could usually catch a cod on one kind or another, but the silence was very, very deep and it taught me something.
I think I noticed it when I went up there for the first time, to sleep in a tent for three weeks and help my new grandfather build his house, when I was nine, the summer that the War ended.
Thanks to the watchful and loving eye of God, all our instants are eternal; the temporality of the moment disappears in the ocean of infinity. Yet our consciousness is not always aware of this dissolution of points of time; some extra element of grace is needed if our awareness of a particular point on man's clock vanishing into eternity can mean anything to us; we need even the further use of time to destroy time, we have to wait on the passing of time before our eyes before that gap in the ranks of the changing moments appears and we perceive through it a glimpse of a stillness that can only be called divine.
It is not that our eyes lose their sight, or our ears refuse to hear, nor that our sense of smell fails us, indeed, their operations are heightened, infused with a spark of divinity, granted for a moment a power of command over all they behold as a flood of grace and perhaps a flash of glory tells us that not only is the moment eternal, but that we are sharing it now as we will comprehend it as without change.
This quality suffuses the greatest acts of our memory, sometimes in recollection, sometimes in the moment of perception. One of my earliest adolescent encounters with this whispering of the Holy Spirit took place on Sechelt Inlet in the summer following my first year of high school, a metaphysical intuition was presented clearly for itself. To be precise, I did not know the expression intuition of being but I knew something of the philosopher's operation.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
July 20, 1981
The stories only grow in the telling
They cannot but be sweeter every night
The songs can only grow in the singing
Those who've kept their promises bright.
Each time around, remember the singer
And drink to the angels who were there
And don't forget the magic of the sidemen
Who fed delight or laid the sorrows bare.
They cannot but be sweeter every night
The songs can only grow in the singing
Those who've kept their promises bright.
Each time around, remember the singer
And drink to the angels who were there
And don't forget the magic of the sidemen
Who fed delight or laid the sorrows bare.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Sunday School and more Part 2
After his discharge, my father became a logger. We moved to an island sixty miles north of Vancouver, where he first worked for a small outfit, and then he bought a horse, a power saw and some land and worked until the policies of the tug-boat operators put him out of business in the fall of 1947. There was no Sunday school on the island, but the teacher of my one room school gave me an introduction to grammar that was probably as important as anything else to my training as a writer, and during times when my mother was ill or away, I learned to cook, I also taught my five-year old brother to read before he went to school.
By November my mother and smallest brother and myself were back in town, living in an uncle's basement apartment. I changed schools, of course, and after Christmas, by which time my father and middle brother had come down, there was not enough room in the basement suite for me, so I went to live out the rest of the year with my father's sister, in another part of Vancouver. Sunday school was sporadic at best, but I was much impressed by my grade seven teacher and finished the year at the head of the class. There was a girl in that class, a blonde who sat up at the front, whose mother took an axe to her, not quite killing her, but damaging her spine for life.
By the time I was to start grade eight, and barely in time, Central Mortgage and Housing had finished some of the five hundred veteran's rental houses it was building at the corner of Boundary Road and the Lougheed Highway. I had been set up to live with a family near my uncle's, but the new construction gave us a house of our own. We moved into acres of dirt and lumber and carpenters' equipment but we were all under one roof and I enrolled in a school that gave me another first rate teacher. My father had been for some months working for what was then the B.C. Electric Company.
We lived at Renfrew Heights, among the streets named for generals and battles of the two wars, for eight years. Again I headed the class, actually a class-and-a-half, of eighth-graders, and living within hiking or easy bicycle distance from my father's parents and the church where I had been dedicated, I sometimes went to Sunday school, although somewhere in grade eight or nine I decided that Christ, rather than dying on the cross, should have been rescued by the fifth cavalry, as in the movies. I also found it difficult to believe that Jesus, had He come in our time, would have drunk coffee instead of wine and I was frightened by the suggestion that the best young Christians were those who went to Africa. For years, though, I faithfully read and thoroughly enjoyed the weekly "Northern Messenger" my grandparents gave me for my birthday.
In grade eight, also, I joined a scout troop sponsored by the Salvation Army. In grade nine or ten, I became an army cadet, in a corps, both boys and girls, where there were a lot of Catholics, and one of my best friends in the scout troop and all through high school was a much loved and very well brought up boy from a Salvation Army family. In grade nine I tied another boy for academic honours, at Britannia High, but after that, involved in scouts, cadets, my friends and a refusal to let studying interfere with my leisure reading, I had to be content with a lesser status, until the end of grade twelve. Scholarship money was involved at that point, so I studies hard enough to get the top average again, although I was a long way from the provincial winner achievement.
In the spring of grade eleven, reading Hemingway I did not understand, I realized that I was to be a writer. I had spent the autumn of that year thinking about Royal Roads military college and had also begun to think about the law, so the thought of writing was awesome. A little earlier than that insight, I was also deeply moved by a folk music single on the radio, with consequences, for all my campfire singing, I could not have imagined at the time.
By the end of grade twelve, through some overwhelming meditations, I knew that I was to be a Christian writer, and not only a novelist, but that I would have to write an autobiography. In the fall of my grade twelve year, on a hunting trip with my father and grandfather, I had experienced at least three distinct encounters with the Holy Spirit, each one more telling than the last, and throughout that year I found myself paying genuine attention to the words of the Lord's Prayer as we recited it every morning in our home class room. I was unrequited in love twice that year, quite profoundly, I thought, and I made the unforgettable discovery, in the high school library, of my next home, the campus newspaper of the University of British Columbia.
That year the Ubyssey editor was Joe Schlesinger, now a CBC broadcaster. The paper was as iconoclastic as ever, and to me, wonderfully funny. I knew it was the place for me when I went on to UBC, although I suspected even then that a lot of my friends and relatives would think my choice indolent and even dangerous to my future and my virtue.
I expected a great deal from the university and the student paper, and in neither, at that point, was I disappointed. Ubyssey has often been called the best journalism school in Canada, whether it is or not I neither know nor care, but I know that her basement offices were the best possible place for me to be at that time, and , as I was by then a mystic, I knew that God knew it too. For the next six years, the university was my city and the Ubyssey was my house in that city. I never felt the need to join a Greek letter fraternity, or any other club, for that matter, and I felt sorry for people without the talent to belong to the intellectual fraternity I knew.
But as interesting as the university was, and the company at the Ubyssey, I was restless by November, and one rainy Sunday afternoon I fought my way through a severe case of nerves to write the first few paragraphs of my first novel. It was write or start to go backwards, I was convinced, and though I had very little of the experience I needed for the novel I was writing, I had not read the Saturday Evening Post for nothing. I knew what the "public" wanted, and I wanted to see if I could give it to them.
The discovery that I could write was the same kind of thing as the discovery that I could read, and it also taught me something I have never forgotten, that a certain kind of ennui and self-disgust means that it is time to learn a new art or science, or take up bringing some old dream into reality. When I say that I learned that I could write I mean that I found out that I could plot, create characters that were distinct from each other, roll out dialogue in quantity. Exposition was difficult, and I knew that I was a poor substitute for de Maupassant or Ring Lardner, but I had also realized that the happy boy that I had almost always been would have to keep writing, when the mood was on him, to become a happy man. I had started out my journalism career as a hunt -and-peck man, in the accepted tradition of reporters, but as a rising novelist I started teaching myself to touch-type.
I wrote steadily through the winter dark, damp coastal winter and remained in love with the university, although I was enough of a conservative, living ten miles away from the campus, to decline joining in the effigy burning of Bertie McCormack. Geography was not the only factor; I was not sure that I wanted to be a radical. By February the book was half-finished and I as dry of inspiration. After all, my book was a romance, hand-guns, dope-smuggling and marine disasters. My own romance was still in my imagination, my guns had all been military rifles or .22's in the woods, the only thing I knew about dope was that some kid in the neighbourhood used it and that a student I knew had found some once in a coast freighter's heating system, and my sailing record, with small craft only, was impeccable.
What also happened with my novel, though, was a student named Sandy Ross, now famous as a journalist, who arrived at the Ubyssey offices with a remarkable gift for writing satirical songs and playing them on the ukulele. My adventurous inventions felt a little silly, and I was fascinated by someone being able to get so much music out of half-a-dozen chords and a five dollar instrument. I had not known much music theory, although both my mother and father sang well, and I knew nothing of chords. In my novel, the hero had played the guitar, and in writing that, I was somewhat resentful that I did not know how.
Sandy also knew some blues, and I became committed forever to folk music. I bought a five-dollar wonder, made of plastic, and a chord book. I think the first song I learned, plunking away in the bedroom, was "Casey Jones". For the rest of the academic year learning music replaced writing fiction. I had an inkling that it might be years before I dared show my writing to anyone, whereas being able to perform and contribute with my ukulele was only months away. Even if no one wanted my music, I loved making it. God was there, as he had been in my father's discipline, my grandfather's quiet tenderness, the wonder of the wilderness, and the solitude of my typewriter.
I was still a movie buff, and somewhat prejudiced against live theatre, but I went, by myself to the Players' Club performance of "The Barret's of Wimple Street", and had to respect it. I had no conception of my own guardian angel, nor anyone else's for that matter, but it was probably that creature of my future wife's who sent me. I realized that I would one day like to try some acting, but although I had found music a safe place to reveal my emotions, I was not so sure about the stage.
I had finished my cadet days as regimental sergeant-major and thoroughly enjoyed two full summers at the Vernon camp for cadets from Albera and B.C., so I joined the UBC detachment of the Canadian Officers' Training Corps. As joining the Ubyssey had alienated some of my high school friends a little, so my belonging to the COTC puzzled some of my Ubyssey cronies, but I was determined to spread myself as wide as possible. Moreover, although my story-teller's ambitions may have preferred a job in a logging camp or a fish-boat, that was not as secure as the guaranteed summer in an army camp. Another side of the writer, of course, was moved by the chance to go back to the Picton area of part of my childhood, for my corps was anti-aircraft, and the training ground at Point Petrie was still in operation.
Another of my ambitions, inspired in my last months of high school, was to get to know the thinking of the "left", which I knew I would find on the campus. Stalin had just died, and like any well-indoctrinated North American school-boy, I thought of the Soviets as the enemy, but I preferred peace to war, and I wanted to know how the enemy thought, through the minds of his sympathizers in my own country. I sought out students who were known members of the Communist party, or close to it, and found them all likable as individuals, but the one I became closest to, paradoxically enough, had earlier been drummed out of the National Federation of Labour Youth for speaking against the use of violence in the eventual chance of a leftest thrust for power.
The only direct church influence throughout my first three years on the campus was an organization called The Older Boy's Parliament of British Columbia, The COTC, to allow students study time for Christmas exams, held no Monday night parades in December, and being no lover of exam swatting I was open to an old neighbourhood friend's invitation to drop in on the Monday night youth group. None of the other members of the group were university students. They all worked, and I was the only one with the time to attend the "Parliament" meetings that took place over four days between Christmas and New Year's. The minister of our local United Church was insistent that I go, probably stimulated by my pseudo-scientific attack on revelation that had turned up at a youth group discussion, and I loved gatherings. Furthermore, it suited my writer's intentions. It seemed a straight forward opportunity to keep in touch with organized Christianity, even if I felt that its comfort was too seductive for an aggressive young intellect that needed to learn about suffering.
A much more important influence, actually, in helping me keep open the straight and narrow path was the generally affable policy of the university in regards to class attendance. The calendar very properly advised students that they could be denied the opportunity to write exams if they attended less than four-fifths of their lectures. Few professors enforced the rule. The university motto, "Tuum Est" after all, translated into "It's up to you". I had come to the campus with only two intentions, to learn to write, and to make good friends, some of which I hoped would remain such all my life. I took off class time to be with my friends, and perhaps even more important, I took off class time to be by myself to let my mind do something I did not really have a word for, although I might, with self-conscious laughter, have called it meditation. There was an activity in my mind which tried to make me think I was guilty for skipping classes, but I could never feel guilty, and even at exam time as I studied to make up the difference, I had no real regrets. Those leisurely hours, peculiarly mine, were perhaps my deepest moments of tranquil self-esteem, and in those first couple of years when the excitement of the campus were an overwhelming challenge to my love of the wilderness-as-paradise, they guaranteed me the same sense of contemplation the woods had given. In those hours I knew myself, and to the best of my limited instruction in spirituality, I knew God. This necessary knowledge is not always present in a university classroom, neither public, as I knew then, nor Catholic, as I came to learn some years later.
In spite of my casual approach to classes I came out of my first year, with its maximum load of subjects, with a high second class average. I had the old twinges of puzzle as to why I was not up in the heights of the highest percentages, but I was not going to change my schedule of friends, writing, and reading as I wanted for a few moments of honour. Once in a while I would try out some extra study, as I thought of it, but never with any profit. My head could not accommodate something my heart denied.
In my first year I think that there was only one clear cut inspiration which I rejected. The circumstances of the denial are significant, presenting clearly my state of mind at that time, and arguing considerable darkness for the future.
It was my second direct refusal of Aristotle in six months, and I think it was much more vicious than the first one, for although the suggestion was the same - to give over my exaggerated trust in my own opinion - the reward offered at the second wooing was plainly much sweeter. My first rejection was from arrogance, my second from something even more insidious: false humility.
I was also being moved to formally admit that I preferred virtue to vice, that I was a Christian and that in fact I preferred my religion organized, authoritative, and traditional. By the process know to mathematicians as reductio ad absurbam I had exhausted, I felt, the thought system of my university's skeptics, rationalists, and Freudian's and I was looking for an honest route back to some commitments I had been inspired to make before I left high school.
Quite early in a book by Adler, sent to me by a friend, tone pleasant sunny morning, I ran into St. Thomas Aquinas and his philosophy of the passions, as related by Adler from a classroom anecdote. It seemed that St. Thomas had much to say about the primacy of love, and he was therefor my man of antiquity, which also meant, thanks to my suspicion of the moderns, that he was my chart for the future.
By November my mother and smallest brother and myself were back in town, living in an uncle's basement apartment. I changed schools, of course, and after Christmas, by which time my father and middle brother had come down, there was not enough room in the basement suite for me, so I went to live out the rest of the year with my father's sister, in another part of Vancouver. Sunday school was sporadic at best, but I was much impressed by my grade seven teacher and finished the year at the head of the class. There was a girl in that class, a blonde who sat up at the front, whose mother took an axe to her, not quite killing her, but damaging her spine for life.
By the time I was to start grade eight, and barely in time, Central Mortgage and Housing had finished some of the five hundred veteran's rental houses it was building at the corner of Boundary Road and the Lougheed Highway. I had been set up to live with a family near my uncle's, but the new construction gave us a house of our own. We moved into acres of dirt and lumber and carpenters' equipment but we were all under one roof and I enrolled in a school that gave me another first rate teacher. My father had been for some months working for what was then the B.C. Electric Company.
We lived at Renfrew Heights, among the streets named for generals and battles of the two wars, for eight years. Again I headed the class, actually a class-and-a-half, of eighth-graders, and living within hiking or easy bicycle distance from my father's parents and the church where I had been dedicated, I sometimes went to Sunday school, although somewhere in grade eight or nine I decided that Christ, rather than dying on the cross, should have been rescued by the fifth cavalry, as in the movies. I also found it difficult to believe that Jesus, had He come in our time, would have drunk coffee instead of wine and I was frightened by the suggestion that the best young Christians were those who went to Africa. For years, though, I faithfully read and thoroughly enjoyed the weekly "Northern Messenger" my grandparents gave me for my birthday.
In grade eight, also, I joined a scout troop sponsored by the Salvation Army. In grade nine or ten, I became an army cadet, in a corps, both boys and girls, where there were a lot of Catholics, and one of my best friends in the scout troop and all through high school was a much loved and very well brought up boy from a Salvation Army family. In grade nine I tied another boy for academic honours, at Britannia High, but after that, involved in scouts, cadets, my friends and a refusal to let studying interfere with my leisure reading, I had to be content with a lesser status, until the end of grade twelve. Scholarship money was involved at that point, so I studies hard enough to get the top average again, although I was a long way from the provincial winner achievement.
In the spring of grade eleven, reading Hemingway I did not understand, I realized that I was to be a writer. I had spent the autumn of that year thinking about Royal Roads military college and had also begun to think about the law, so the thought of writing was awesome. A little earlier than that insight, I was also deeply moved by a folk music single on the radio, with consequences, for all my campfire singing, I could not have imagined at the time.
By the end of grade twelve, through some overwhelming meditations, I knew that I was to be a Christian writer, and not only a novelist, but that I would have to write an autobiography. In the fall of my grade twelve year, on a hunting trip with my father and grandfather, I had experienced at least three distinct encounters with the Holy Spirit, each one more telling than the last, and throughout that year I found myself paying genuine attention to the words of the Lord's Prayer as we recited it every morning in our home class room. I was unrequited in love twice that year, quite profoundly, I thought, and I made the unforgettable discovery, in the high school library, of my next home, the campus newspaper of the University of British Columbia.
That year the Ubyssey editor was Joe Schlesinger, now a CBC broadcaster. The paper was as iconoclastic as ever, and to me, wonderfully funny. I knew it was the place for me when I went on to UBC, although I suspected even then that a lot of my friends and relatives would think my choice indolent and even dangerous to my future and my virtue.
I expected a great deal from the university and the student paper, and in neither, at that point, was I disappointed. Ubyssey has often been called the best journalism school in Canada, whether it is or not I neither know nor care, but I know that her basement offices were the best possible place for me to be at that time, and , as I was by then a mystic, I knew that God knew it too. For the next six years, the university was my city and the Ubyssey was my house in that city. I never felt the need to join a Greek letter fraternity, or any other club, for that matter, and I felt sorry for people without the talent to belong to the intellectual fraternity I knew.
But as interesting as the university was, and the company at the Ubyssey, I was restless by November, and one rainy Sunday afternoon I fought my way through a severe case of nerves to write the first few paragraphs of my first novel. It was write or start to go backwards, I was convinced, and though I had very little of the experience I needed for the novel I was writing, I had not read the Saturday Evening Post for nothing. I knew what the "public" wanted, and I wanted to see if I could give it to them.
The discovery that I could write was the same kind of thing as the discovery that I could read, and it also taught me something I have never forgotten, that a certain kind of ennui and self-disgust means that it is time to learn a new art or science, or take up bringing some old dream into reality. When I say that I learned that I could write I mean that I found out that I could plot, create characters that were distinct from each other, roll out dialogue in quantity. Exposition was difficult, and I knew that I was a poor substitute for de Maupassant or Ring Lardner, but I had also realized that the happy boy that I had almost always been would have to keep writing, when the mood was on him, to become a happy man. I had started out my journalism career as a hunt -and-peck man, in the accepted tradition of reporters, but as a rising novelist I started teaching myself to touch-type.
I wrote steadily through the winter dark, damp coastal winter and remained in love with the university, although I was enough of a conservative, living ten miles away from the campus, to decline joining in the effigy burning of Bertie McCormack. Geography was not the only factor; I was not sure that I wanted to be a radical. By February the book was half-finished and I as dry of inspiration. After all, my book was a romance, hand-guns, dope-smuggling and marine disasters. My own romance was still in my imagination, my guns had all been military rifles or .22's in the woods, the only thing I knew about dope was that some kid in the neighbourhood used it and that a student I knew had found some once in a coast freighter's heating system, and my sailing record, with small craft only, was impeccable.
What also happened with my novel, though, was a student named Sandy Ross, now famous as a journalist, who arrived at the Ubyssey offices with a remarkable gift for writing satirical songs and playing them on the ukulele. My adventurous inventions felt a little silly, and I was fascinated by someone being able to get so much music out of half-a-dozen chords and a five dollar instrument. I had not known much music theory, although both my mother and father sang well, and I knew nothing of chords. In my novel, the hero had played the guitar, and in writing that, I was somewhat resentful that I did not know how.
Sandy also knew some blues, and I became committed forever to folk music. I bought a five-dollar wonder, made of plastic, and a chord book. I think the first song I learned, plunking away in the bedroom, was "Casey Jones". For the rest of the academic year learning music replaced writing fiction. I had an inkling that it might be years before I dared show my writing to anyone, whereas being able to perform and contribute with my ukulele was only months away. Even if no one wanted my music, I loved making it. God was there, as he had been in my father's discipline, my grandfather's quiet tenderness, the wonder of the wilderness, and the solitude of my typewriter.
I was still a movie buff, and somewhat prejudiced against live theatre, but I went, by myself to the Players' Club performance of "The Barret's of Wimple Street", and had to respect it. I had no conception of my own guardian angel, nor anyone else's for that matter, but it was probably that creature of my future wife's who sent me. I realized that I would one day like to try some acting, but although I had found music a safe place to reveal my emotions, I was not so sure about the stage.
I had finished my cadet days as regimental sergeant-major and thoroughly enjoyed two full summers at the Vernon camp for cadets from Albera and B.C., so I joined the UBC detachment of the Canadian Officers' Training Corps. As joining the Ubyssey had alienated some of my high school friends a little, so my belonging to the COTC puzzled some of my Ubyssey cronies, but I was determined to spread myself as wide as possible. Moreover, although my story-teller's ambitions may have preferred a job in a logging camp or a fish-boat, that was not as secure as the guaranteed summer in an army camp. Another side of the writer, of course, was moved by the chance to go back to the Picton area of part of my childhood, for my corps was anti-aircraft, and the training ground at Point Petrie was still in operation.
Another of my ambitions, inspired in my last months of high school, was to get to know the thinking of the "left", which I knew I would find on the campus. Stalin had just died, and like any well-indoctrinated North American school-boy, I thought of the Soviets as the enemy, but I preferred peace to war, and I wanted to know how the enemy thought, through the minds of his sympathizers in my own country. I sought out students who were known members of the Communist party, or close to it, and found them all likable as individuals, but the one I became closest to, paradoxically enough, had earlier been drummed out of the National Federation of Labour Youth for speaking against the use of violence in the eventual chance of a leftest thrust for power.
The only direct church influence throughout my first three years on the campus was an organization called The Older Boy's Parliament of British Columbia, The COTC, to allow students study time for Christmas exams, held no Monday night parades in December, and being no lover of exam swatting I was open to an old neighbourhood friend's invitation to drop in on the Monday night youth group. None of the other members of the group were university students. They all worked, and I was the only one with the time to attend the "Parliament" meetings that took place over four days between Christmas and New Year's. The minister of our local United Church was insistent that I go, probably stimulated by my pseudo-scientific attack on revelation that had turned up at a youth group discussion, and I loved gatherings. Furthermore, it suited my writer's intentions. It seemed a straight forward opportunity to keep in touch with organized Christianity, even if I felt that its comfort was too seductive for an aggressive young intellect that needed to learn about suffering.
A much more important influence, actually, in helping me keep open the straight and narrow path was the generally affable policy of the university in regards to class attendance. The calendar very properly advised students that they could be denied the opportunity to write exams if they attended less than four-fifths of their lectures. Few professors enforced the rule. The university motto, "Tuum Est" after all, translated into "It's up to you". I had come to the campus with only two intentions, to learn to write, and to make good friends, some of which I hoped would remain such all my life. I took off class time to be with my friends, and perhaps even more important, I took off class time to be by myself to let my mind do something I did not really have a word for, although I might, with self-conscious laughter, have called it meditation. There was an activity in my mind which tried to make me think I was guilty for skipping classes, but I could never feel guilty, and even at exam time as I studied to make up the difference, I had no real regrets. Those leisurely hours, peculiarly mine, were perhaps my deepest moments of tranquil self-esteem, and in those first couple of years when the excitement of the campus were an overwhelming challenge to my love of the wilderness-as-paradise, they guaranteed me the same sense of contemplation the woods had given. In those hours I knew myself, and to the best of my limited instruction in spirituality, I knew God. This necessary knowledge is not always present in a university classroom, neither public, as I knew then, nor Catholic, as I came to learn some years later.
In spite of my casual approach to classes I came out of my first year, with its maximum load of subjects, with a high second class average. I had the old twinges of puzzle as to why I was not up in the heights of the highest percentages, but I was not going to change my schedule of friends, writing, and reading as I wanted for a few moments of honour. Once in a while I would try out some extra study, as I thought of it, but never with any profit. My head could not accommodate something my heart denied.
In my first year I think that there was only one clear cut inspiration which I rejected. The circumstances of the denial are significant, presenting clearly my state of mind at that time, and arguing considerable darkness for the future.
It was my second direct refusal of Aristotle in six months, and I think it was much more vicious than the first one, for although the suggestion was the same - to give over my exaggerated trust in my own opinion - the reward offered at the second wooing was plainly much sweeter. My first rejection was from arrogance, my second from something even more insidious: false humility.
I was also being moved to formally admit that I preferred virtue to vice, that I was a Christian and that in fact I preferred my religion organized, authoritative, and traditional. By the process know to mathematicians as reductio ad absurbam I had exhausted, I felt, the thought system of my university's skeptics, rationalists, and Freudian's and I was looking for an honest route back to some commitments I had been inspired to make before I left high school.
Quite early in a book by Adler, sent to me by a friend, tone pleasant sunny morning, I ran into St. Thomas Aquinas and his philosophy of the passions, as related by Adler from a classroom anecdote. It seemed that St. Thomas had much to say about the primacy of love, and he was therefor my man of antiquity, which also meant, thanks to my suspicion of the moderns, that he was my chart for the future.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Recollections of my history with Sunday School and other matters circa late 1970s
I was born in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, on January 2,1936. The warnings of my arrival had interrupted the New Year's gathering at my grandmother Lamb's. My mother had to leave her turkey dinner to go to the Vancouver General Hospital. By the time I was born my father was back at work on the graveyard shift at Eburne Sawmills, at the foot of Boundary Road on the North Arm of the Fraser and he paid his first visit to me at the end of the shift, riding into the city centre on a fixed wheel racing bike. He pedalled something like ten miles in twenty minutes.
My parents had been married in the Joyce Road Baptist church, in the Kingsway district, where both my father's parents and my mother's widowed mother were regular members of the congregation, so I was not baptized, but offered to God in a ceremony of dedication. This took place, I have been told, when I was about two. (ed. note: on the certificate the date was April 8, 1936, a piece of paper not in the authors possession at that time)
By the time I was old enough to go to Sunday school my father joined the army. My mother and I lived with my Nana, as I called her, and it was she who took me to Sunday school and taught me my bedtime prayers.
In the Baptist Sunday school, when I was five or six, I had a vision of Christ, Who told me that He was not only the strongest being in existence, bu also the most gentle. Our primary class was singing "Jesus Loves Me" at the time, and the Lord appeared in the white robe and character of the traditional teaching Messiah. His words were spoken to my understanding rather than my ears. If I remember correctly my father had gone to England by this time and I understood that Christ was telling me that He was filling his place. I took the vision for granted and told no one about it, and in fact I think I forgot about it until just a few years ago, although, as John of the Cross teaches, the experience left a permanent effect.
I had been sent to a private kindergarten before I was three, for a few months, and in 1941 I was enrolled at Carleton School, at Kingsway and Joyce Road, just across the road from the movie theatre. From the beginning I seem to have found learning interesting and usually not too difficult. I liked school, although I often lived in fear of bullying in the younger years, realizing that I could read, part way through grade one, was perhaps my earliest intellectual thrill. That I could read the funny papers on my own was no less exciting than any natural event that had ever happened to me.
In 1942, because of the Japanese scare, my mother and I started to move around the country. By April we were living on a small farm in the North Okanagan, just out of Falkland. That was not very satisfactory and by May we had moved into Falkland itself. When school was over my mother sent me back to my Nana for the summer. I was glad to see her and old friends of course, but I had also my life-long affection for the country-side and small towns and felt as if I had lived half a life-time of adventure.
In the fall my father came back from overseas, an officer and instructor in anti-aircraft gunnery. We remained in Vancouver until February, at which time we moved to Eastern Passage, Nova Scotia, for there was an anti-aircraft site at the mouth of the entrance to Halifax.
I was already a constant reader, and about to discover fairy tales, but I had ceased to become a constant Sunday school student. I distinctly remember, the winter I became eight, failing utterly to comprehend an afternoon lecture on the Trinity. We were three boys, sent off to a little Anglican gentleman. The afternoon was snowy, the bus-ride was a nuisance, the room was dark and cheerless, and I was no longer a stranger to sin.
In the spring of 1944 my father was transferred to Point Petrie, on Lake Ontario. I lived the summer and fall in the farming town of Cherry Valley, a kind of Garden of Eden for small boys, and in November as my parents had moved again, I was enrolled in Albert College in Belleville, Ontario. The elementary schoolroom at the college was a wonderful supply of children's books. There was also a swimming pool that we used every night for an hour and a chapel we used every morning for twenty minutes or so. At Albert College I became an actor, taking the small boy lead in a Christmas play, and I was also punished along with a number of others, for shoplifting. The headmaster, over the shoplifting incident, I have always recalled as a type of Christian wisdom.
But the college was too expensive, as it turned out, and in January, 1945, I caught the train once again, this time for Springfield, to live on a mixed farm with Uncle Frank who was actually a third cousin as old as my grandfather, just as kindly, and, with his wife, just as fond of church-going. I was once again taken to God's house, and one Sunday evening, as a result of knowing lots of answers to the questions the minister was throwing out for general response, was predicted to have a great ecclesiastical future.
In May, as the war in Europe was dying, my father was transferred back to the West. My mother picked me up and we caught the train for Vernon, arriving at the height of the V-E celebration. I changed schools again and my mother got tougher about Sunday school, although the boy I lived beside was a willing and experienced partner in shoplifting and other minor banditries. I spent the summer on my native coast, with both sets of grandparents. And again there was Sunday school, and now church, but there was also an old sea-dog, schooner captain, and Arctic trader that my Nana had married. I went back to Vernon in the fall, and my father, now living with us regularly, put an end to the shoplifting.
In October, just after the Okanagan pheasant season was over, and the salmon were spawning and dying in the coastal rivers, we moved back to the coast. My father had a few more months of duty to finish, as a defense counsel for soldiers charged with various military crimes. We moved into the huge upstairs of the house where my father had grown up and lived there until March. Again, there was Sunday school, and I discovered Zane Grey.
My parents had been married in the Joyce Road Baptist church, in the Kingsway district, where both my father's parents and my mother's widowed mother were regular members of the congregation, so I was not baptized, but offered to God in a ceremony of dedication. This took place, I have been told, when I was about two. (ed. note: on the certificate the date was April 8, 1936, a piece of paper not in the authors possession at that time)
By the time I was old enough to go to Sunday school my father joined the army. My mother and I lived with my Nana, as I called her, and it was she who took me to Sunday school and taught me my bedtime prayers.
In the Baptist Sunday school, when I was five or six, I had a vision of Christ, Who told me that He was not only the strongest being in existence, bu also the most gentle. Our primary class was singing "Jesus Loves Me" at the time, and the Lord appeared in the white robe and character of the traditional teaching Messiah. His words were spoken to my understanding rather than my ears. If I remember correctly my father had gone to England by this time and I understood that Christ was telling me that He was filling his place. I took the vision for granted and told no one about it, and in fact I think I forgot about it until just a few years ago, although, as John of the Cross teaches, the experience left a permanent effect.
I had been sent to a private kindergarten before I was three, for a few months, and in 1941 I was enrolled at Carleton School, at Kingsway and Joyce Road, just across the road from the movie theatre. From the beginning I seem to have found learning interesting and usually not too difficult. I liked school, although I often lived in fear of bullying in the younger years, realizing that I could read, part way through grade one, was perhaps my earliest intellectual thrill. That I could read the funny papers on my own was no less exciting than any natural event that had ever happened to me.
In 1942, because of the Japanese scare, my mother and I started to move around the country. By April we were living on a small farm in the North Okanagan, just out of Falkland. That was not very satisfactory and by May we had moved into Falkland itself. When school was over my mother sent me back to my Nana for the summer. I was glad to see her and old friends of course, but I had also my life-long affection for the country-side and small towns and felt as if I had lived half a life-time of adventure.
In the fall my father came back from overseas, an officer and instructor in anti-aircraft gunnery. We remained in Vancouver until February, at which time we moved to Eastern Passage, Nova Scotia, for there was an anti-aircraft site at the mouth of the entrance to Halifax.
I was already a constant reader, and about to discover fairy tales, but I had ceased to become a constant Sunday school student. I distinctly remember, the winter I became eight, failing utterly to comprehend an afternoon lecture on the Trinity. We were three boys, sent off to a little Anglican gentleman. The afternoon was snowy, the bus-ride was a nuisance, the room was dark and cheerless, and I was no longer a stranger to sin.
In the spring of 1944 my father was transferred to Point Petrie, on Lake Ontario. I lived the summer and fall in the farming town of Cherry Valley, a kind of Garden of Eden for small boys, and in November as my parents had moved again, I was enrolled in Albert College in Belleville, Ontario. The elementary schoolroom at the college was a wonderful supply of children's books. There was also a swimming pool that we used every night for an hour and a chapel we used every morning for twenty minutes or so. At Albert College I became an actor, taking the small boy lead in a Christmas play, and I was also punished along with a number of others, for shoplifting. The headmaster, over the shoplifting incident, I have always recalled as a type of Christian wisdom.
But the college was too expensive, as it turned out, and in January, 1945, I caught the train once again, this time for Springfield, to live on a mixed farm with Uncle Frank who was actually a third cousin as old as my grandfather, just as kindly, and, with his wife, just as fond of church-going. I was once again taken to God's house, and one Sunday evening, as a result of knowing lots of answers to the questions the minister was throwing out for general response, was predicted to have a great ecclesiastical future.
In May, as the war in Europe was dying, my father was transferred back to the West. My mother picked me up and we caught the train for Vernon, arriving at the height of the V-E celebration. I changed schools again and my mother got tougher about Sunday school, although the boy I lived beside was a willing and experienced partner in shoplifting and other minor banditries. I spent the summer on my native coast, with both sets of grandparents. And again there was Sunday school, and now church, but there was also an old sea-dog, schooner captain, and Arctic trader that my Nana had married. I went back to Vernon in the fall, and my father, now living with us regularly, put an end to the shoplifting.
In October, just after the Okanagan pheasant season was over, and the salmon were spawning and dying in the coastal rivers, we moved back to the coast. My father had a few more months of duty to finish, as a defense counsel for soldiers charged with various military crimes. We moved into the huge upstairs of the house where my father had grown up and lived there until March. Again, there was Sunday school, and I discovered Zane Grey.
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